I was having a conversation with a dear friend the other day who is about to start in vitro fertilization. This has been a long time coming, and I’m so excited for her, but she made a comment that both broke my heart and made me mad. She told me that a lot of her friends have been telling her that she’s making a dumb decision going with in vitro- it’s expensive, it doesn’t guarantee a baby, why doesn’t she just adopt? The biggest foul was someone who told her that she’s a perfect candidate for adoption because she and her husband have fertility issues. What?!
First, having fertility issues DOES NOT make you a perfect candidate for adoption. All it means is that adoption might be an option.
Second, how dare these people! Deciding to go with in vitro is a totally personal and private decision that only my friend and her husband can make, and they’re the only people who have a say. (except her doctor, of course) Do these people not realize all the time, thought, research and doctors appointments that have gone into this decision? And who cares how much it costs? It’s my friend’s money, and she can use it however she sees fit.
I was literally shocked and sick to my stomach after our conversation. Why is it people feel they have to give their input on situations that have nothing to do with them? Especially when their input is hurtful? My friend is trying to grow her family exactly how she wants, and her friends should all be supportive. This road has been long and hard for her and her husband, and I can’t believe anyone would bring that kind of negativity to the situation.
I will note that when she first told me they couldn’t have children naturally, I did bring up adoption. I didn’t do it in a pushy, judgy way, just in an informational if-you-want-to-know-more-I’ve-got-your-back kind of way.
One of my favorite things about this friend is that she’s passionate about growing her family in a biological way, and I’m passionate about growing my family through adoption, and we can sit down and talk about it forever. Neither of us thinks our way is superior, we accept that what’s right for ourselves isn’t right for others. I’m really intrigued by the process of in vitro, and I love that she keeps me updated on all the tests and things. And even though adoption is far down on the list of how to make a family for her, she gets excited with me when I talk about my adoption plans or show her a picture of a sweet baby in one of the orphanages I follow. It’s really wonderful to have an understanding, open minded friend. I wish her other friends would take the time to think about how hurtful their words are, even if they have the best intentions at heart.